Alas, Poor Geoffrey

By

Alistair Faulkner

(Third Draft)

© A. R. Faulkner April 2001

11 Coldharbour Lane, Salisbury, Wiltshire, SP2 7BY

Tel. 01722 415117       e-mail      info@alistair-faulkner.co.uk 

CAST

Setting.

A well furnished living room. French doors or an opening lead to a garden, and a door or opening leads to the rest of the house. There is a fireplace or something similar with a vase of tired looking roses on it. The rest of the room has the usual selection of furniture, a settee, easy chairs and coffee table, etc.

A long table has been erected in the room, covered in a white cloth.

Sheila is behind or to one side of the table. She is taking paper napkins from a pile and arranging them in a set of glasses. She is middle aged and wears a frilly white blouse with a black bow and black skirt. She pauses from inserting a napkin in a glass.

Sheila. I don't suppose you can get cyanide at the cash and carry..... Pity, really... (She continues with another napkin, then stops again). But then, cyanide's too clean - too quick.... Much too quick... Something lingering and painful would be far better. (She continues with another napkin, then stops again). Ground glass in the asparagus soup perhaps?... No, it would only sink to the bottom and scratch the china. (She continues with another napkin, then stops again) How about a bit of belladonna on the garlic bread? Now there's a thought. Chop it up nice and fine and no one would ever notice...... I wonder if there's any deadly nightshade in the garden?

Grace is heard, off, singing - "You are my honey-honeysuckle, I am the bee........"

Sheila busies herself with the napkins.

Grace enters from the garden. She is elderly and walks with a stick. She carries a bunch of red roses.

Grace. Ah... You'll do.

Sheila. Will I?

Grace. Lady Elgin is simply covered in aphids. You'll have to do something about it at once.

Sheila. Pardon?

Grace. Out there in the big bed next to my Queen Elizabeth.

Sheila. Really?

Grace. You have to catch it quick or it'll spread to the other roses like - well like green fly.

Sheila. Oh... Roses.

Grace. (Turning back to the windows). I've left the Deris Dust on the bird bath.

Sheila. I'm afraid I'm the caterer not the gardener.

Grace. It only needs a quick puff. You'll be out there and back in no time.

Sheila. I'm sorry, but I can't go puffing Deris Dust around and then prepare food.

Grace. Why not?

Sheila. I might poison the guests.

Grace. Well I can't do it, not with my arthritis. Kneel down and I might never get up again. Besides, I have to bury a husband. (She crosses to the vase of rather old roses) Not mine, of course.

Sheila. So I gather.

Grace. Poor Geoffrey.

Sheila holds up a glass to the light, polishing off a spec of dirt.

Sheila. (Unconcerned). Yes... Poor Geoffrey.

Grace. (Indicating the roses). These were his favourite - ‘Tally Ho’. Not that he hunted. He just liked the colour.

Sheila. Very nice.

Grace takes the old roses out and starts to arrange the new.

Grace. I buried my husband in 68 you know.

Sheila. (Under her breath). I'd like to bury mine now.

Grace. No, that's not quite true -

Sheila. Don't you believe it.

Grace. - because in point of fact I cremated him. Not personally, you understand - the co-op did it..... Got quite a nice divi back on him.... Or was it green shield stamps? (She hands the old roses to Sheila). Do something with these will you.

Sheila. Oh - right.

Sheila looks for a waste paper bin.

Grace. I wanted a burial of course. It's much more respectful don't you think? All that standing at the graveside and throwing flowers.

Sheila. I might think of something else to throw, personally.

Grace. Yes - and more theatrical, especially if it's raining.... But Arthur wanted to be close to his first love.

Sheila. His first wife?

Grace. No - the eighteenth.... Green, that is. His golf club. Well we couldn't bury him there, naturally, a tombstone would get in the way of people's putting, so he had to be scattered.

Sheila. Understandable.

Grace. Actually it was a bit windy that day and most of his ashes landed in the bunker - which was rather appropriate.... And the rest of him wafted all over the captain's wife. Which was appropriate too, come to think of it, since he was always all over the woman when he was alive.

Sheila. Men.

Grace. Who are you by the way? You're not Sally I can see that.

Sheila. No, I'm Sheila, the caterer. I did say.

Grace. Did you?... I'm sorry, I can't have been watching. I'm deaf in my right ear, and the left's on it's last legs too. I lip read.

Sheila finds a bin.

Sheila. (Mouthing clearly). Oh, I see. I'll try to remember.

Sheila comes back to the glasses.

Grace. (Confidentially). They think it's just old age, but it's not, you know.

Sheila. No?

Grace. An old war wound.

Sheila. Really?

Grace. Perforated eardrum from the blast. Bomb damaged, that's me.

Sheila. You're looking well on it.

Grace. (Indicating her leg). And this isn't just arthritis either, you know.

Sheila. No?

Grace. Broken in two places. I was in plaster for six weeks during the blitz. Well we both were..... It was our legs that brought us together.

Sheila. You and your husband?

Grace. No, no... This was long before Arthur. This was my first love - Teddy. (Lost in her thoughts). Ah - yes.... Teddy Skrevinsky, Blake Manor Hospital, nineteen forty four. Our eyes met across the ward..... He was an electrician in the Air Force. ‘Sparks’ they used to call him.

Sheila. Now there's a thought...... Electrocution.

Grace. I was young and beautiful, he was tall and handsome - every inch a pole.

Sheila. Loose wire sticking out of the hair-dryer perhaps?

Grace. It was just smiles at first, naturally. But then one morning our hands touched as he passed me his Epsom Salts.

Sheila. How romantic.

Grace. Oh, yes. And so talanted.... He used to blow smoke rings in the moonlight with his Craven A's, and whistle The Blue Danube through his teeth in the urinals.

Sheila. Where were his teeth?

Grace. And his George Formby impressions on the balalaika were uncanny..... But where are you now, Teddy? Where are you now? And have you told no- one our secret of fifty years?

Sheila. What secret?

Grace. Mm?

Sheila. (Mouthing). What secret?

Grace. Nothing, nothing... And you mustn't mention any of this to the others. They don't know anything about it.

Sheila. (To herself). They don't know what they're missing.

Grace. Except Geoffrey. Poor Geoffrey knew of course. I opened my heart to him last Tuesday morning over his corn flakes.

Sheila. I hope he appreciated it.

Grace. I sometimes wonder if it was the shock that killed him. Because it was only two days later that - poor Geoffrey.

Sheila. (Finding another speck of dirt). Yes... Poor Geoffrey.

Grace. But then he was a man of the world - he understood..... He understood that even after fifty years I hanker to see my pole again. And after all, it was Geoffrey who said I should place the advert in the Times. Strike while the iron is hot, he said.

Sheila. My sentiments exactly.

Grace. So it was in there yesterday. Page thirty two, second column, just under "Frail senior citizen seeks good home for ten foot python".

Grace sings as she arranges the roses - "We'll meet again...

Sheila continues her preparations.

Sheila. Are they poisonous?

Grace. What?

Sheila. Pythons.

Grace. I don't think so. Why?

Sheila. Nothing.

Grace continues to sing - "We'll meet again..."

Sheila. (Under her breath, but within vision of Grace). Do- lally.

Grace. What was that?

Sheila. Oh. I said - er - who's Sally?

Grace. Sally?

Sheila. You said I wasn't Sally.

Grace. No, no. Of course you're not Sally. Sally was much younger than you.

Sheila. Thanks a lot.

Grace. All short skirts and pink hair.... She came in from the village and ‘did’ three times a week. Washing, ironing, flicking a duster round in the bedrooms... Until, that is, she got pregnant.

Sheila. Oh dear.

Grace. Actually it was young Sally who found him. Out there on the lawn by the chestnut tree.... I wasn't here, well none of us were. Perhaps it was better that way. And at least it was quick.

Sheila. Yes.

Grace. My granddaughter's trying to find a replacement of course.

Sheila. For her father?

Grace. No, no. For Sally.

Grace finds something on one of the rose leaves.

Grace. Is that mildew or black spot do you think?

Sheila. I wouldn't know.

Grace. I'd better show you where the systemic fungicide is too.

Sheila. Will you? How kind.

Grace. Then you can kill two birds with the one stone, as it were.

Sheila. Now that would be a good idea.

Grace goes back to arranging the roses.

Grace. I don't think the two were connected.

Sheila. What two?

Grace. Sally flicking a duster round in the bedrooms and getting pregnant.... No. Geoffrey was far too polite to interfere with the domestics. Anyway, since that accident with the lawn mower he was quite incapable.

Sheila. Really?

Grace. Or so my daughter said, and she should know.... Poor Vanessa.

Sheila. I would have thought - poor Geoffrey.

Grace. Is she here yet, by the way?

Sheila. Who?

Grace. My daughter.

Sheila. (A slight pause - evasive). I wouldn't know, I don't think I've met her.

Grace. She is coming though.

Sheila. Well if it's her husband's funeral -.

Grace. Oh, no. They'd been separated for a year or more.

Sheila. Really?

Grace. Irreconcilable differences.

Sheila. Well, he was a man - she was a woman. Enough said.

Grace. (She picks up a photograph of Geoffrey). But they were happy once, you know.

Sheila. Weren't we all?

Grace. This was taken three years ago. Look at him, he was so happy then, standing there with his pride and joy.

There is the sound of a distant door bell.

Sheila. Ah... Your daughter perhaps?

Grace. No, dear. His lawn mower.

Sheila. I mean at the door.

Grace. (Looking closely at the photo). Where?

Sheila. No. (mouthing). I just heard the door bell.

Grace. Did you?

Sheila. Yes.

Grace. I didn't. But then I wouldn't.

The door bell sounds again. Persistent.

Sheila. There it is again.

Grace. The merest tinkle... Like a far off echo.

The door bell sounds again.

Sheila. They seem persistent.

Grace. Don't worry. Julie will answer it. Oh, no. I saw her weeping among her weeds. Her ‘natural garden’ she calls it.

Sheila. Really?

Grace. It's where all the green fly come from.

Sheila. Any deadly night shade by any chance?

Grace. Knee deep in it I shouldn't wonder.

The door bell sounds again.

Sheila. Perhaps I'd better go and fetch her.

Grace. Why not. And you can puff a little Deris Dust at Lady Elgin on your way.

Sheila. Well it is a bit naughty you know, so don't tell anyone -

Grace. Don't worry, I won't.

The door bell sounds again.

Sheila. Perhaps I'd just better go and see who it is first. (She sees no response from Grace). I said - perhaps I'd just better - oh, never mind.

Sheila exits.

Grace sings -

Grace. We'll meet again - don't know where, don't know when..... And then our secret will be known, Teddy. And Vanessa will be so surprised.

Lorrain. (Off). Hello?.... Is there anybody there?

Grace is oblivious.

Grace. (Singing). But I know we'll meet again some sunny day.

Lorrain. Hello?

Grace. Keep smiling through just like you used to do, and the sun will move the dark clouds far away......

Lorrain. Hello?

Lorrain enters from the garden. She is in her twenties and comes from Liverpool. She carries a large haversack and other bags.

Grace. Gracious me. Who are you?

Lorrain. Lorrain. Hi.

Grace. Have those boys been at it again?

Lorrain. Sorry?

Grace. Turning the footpath sign round the wrong way.

Lorrain. Ya what?

Grace. The Downland Way is to the side of the garden, not through it.

Lorrain. Oh.

Grace. You're one of those hiker things aren't you? We get them in the garden all the time. Worse than the green fly.

Lorrain. No, no. I'm not a hiker. This is me gear - me stuff, you know. (She dumps down a couple of bags). All me worldly possessions and all that. (She escapes awkwardly from her haversack). Well, not all actually. The rest's by the front door here... Sorry - do you mind? Only I seem to have - no, no, just a minute, it's all right. (The haversack falls to the ground). That's better. It does your back in does that... I rang like mad, at the door, but I couldn't get a reply so I thought I'd - you know - come round the back like.... Only, I could hear voices.

Grace. Are you looking for someone?

Lorrain. Well sort of. Though it's more a case of hoping that you're looking for me, actually.

Grace. Looking for you?

Lorrain. I read your advert in the paper.

Grace. The advert?

Lorrain. Yea. In the paper.

Grace. The Times?!

Lorrain. (Turning away to rummage in a pocket). No, the Gazette. I've gor-it here somewhere. Actually this chap I met in a pub in London gave it me.

Grace. (Having not heard). Page thirty two?

Lorrain. I'm a dab hand with the hoover and willing to live-in.

Grace. Under the python?

Lorrain. Yea - wherever.

Grace. (Looking up). There is a god. And so soon too.

Lorrain. (She takes out a small newspaper cutting). Here it is.

Grace. I expect, my dear, that your grandfather sent you.

Lorrain. Sorry?

Grace. Your grandfather.

Lorrain. No, like a say, it was this fella in a pub.

Grace. I must know - is he well?

Lorrain. The fella in the pub?

Grace. No, your grandfather.

Lorrain. Oh, yea. He's champion.

Grace. And does he still play the balalaika?

Lorrain. The what?

Grace. Just like George Formby but without the teeth.

Lorrain. Without the teeth is right, but what's me granddad got to do with it, anyway?

Grace. Your father then? Perhaps he's too shy to come himself?

Lorrain. Me dad's a bus driver. He doesn't do housework.

Grace. I wouldn't mind that. Just to hear him whistle the Blue Danube again would be enough.

Lorrain. (Looking at the cutting). Was that in the job description?

Sheila enters.

Sheila. Someone seems to have left a whole pile of jumble by your front door. (She sees Lorrain). Oh.

Lorrain. Sorry, that was me. Only it's not jumble. Well it is really - well, virtually. Hi, I'm Lorrain. I've come about the job. The au pair thing - only I'm English so I hope that'll be all right. (Reading the cutting). "Live-in Au-pair- stroke-housemaid. Duties various, terms negotiable, must have references". Well that's me.... And I've got references - well, one.

Grace. You mean you haven't got news of my Pole?

Lorrain. Your what?

Grace. My Teddy. And your family name isn't - ‘Skrevinski’?

Lorrain. No... Smith.

Grace. Then you must forget everything I said to you just now. Everything.

Lorrain. I didn't understand half of it anyway.

Grace. They don't know anything about it. Nothing... Nobody knows - yet.

Grace exits. Singing. We'll meet again.....

Lorrain. Is she all there?

Sheila. Well she's somewhere, but it's not here, that's for sure.

Lorrain. Me nan went like that. They had to put her away in the end. She wouldn't leave the milkman alone.

Sheila. I think she's on about some wartime sweetheart from Poland - Teddy - something-insky.

Lorrain. Oh. Right.... Just a minute - only I've got take some layers off. I'm boiling under here.

Sheila. Be my guest.

Lorrain starts to remove several layers of windproofs and coats. She eventually lands up in a green jumper.

Lorrain. I thought wearing them would be easier than carrying them. But then I forgot it was summer.

Sheila. Easily done.

Lorrain. Me granddad was in the war you know. At least, I think it was the war. He nearly got his leg blown off by one of them - you know - ‘jitter-bug’ things in London.

Sheila. Doodle bug.

Lorrain. That's it.... Was that the war?

Sheila. Yes. That'd be the war.

Lorrain. I thought it was.... Are you the housekeeper?

Sheila. No. I'm just the caterer. Brought in for the day.

Lorrain. Oh... Right..... I should have guessed. All these glasses and that. Having a party then, are they?

Sheila. Sort of.

Lorrain. Great! I like a good bash. Birthday is it? Wedding? Christening?

Sheila. Funeral.

Lorrain. No! How awful. Who's?

Sheila. Batty gran's son-in-law. The man of the house.

Lorrain. That's terrible... Here, he isn't - you know.

Sheila. What?

Lorrain. You know - laid out somewhere for the relatives to pay their last whatsits.

Sheila. No. Unless they've stuffed him in a broom cupboard. I've been over most of the house.

Lorrain. Good... (Joking). Casing the joint, eh?

Sheila. What?

Lorrain. Been all over the house, like.

Sheila. Well -

Lorrain. Just joking. I do it meself - seeing how the other half live and all that.

Sheila. Yes.... And how they die.

Lorrain. (Not sure how to take that). Yea?.... Here? Do you think I should slip something black on, then? Show me respects or whatever?

Sheila. I shouldn't bother just at the moment.

Lorrain starts to search in a bag.

Lorrain. I've got a really nice little black dress in this stretchy stuff, the only thing is it's a bit like - you know - tarty.

Sheila. I should think it's a bit like - you know - creased if it's been in there.

Lorrain. It's got this slit up the side that makes all the men stare.

Sheila. I suppose the vicar might appreciate it.

Lorrain. Yea?!... Anyway it must be in one of me other bags.

Sheila. Pity.. So. You're going to replace Sally?

Lorrain. Who?

Sheila. Sally.

Lorrain. Oh, right, whatever.

Sheila. Apparently she came in and did. But she didn't live in.

Lorrain. Yea, well, I've got'a live in coz I got nowhere else. I was sharing a flat with this boy-friend, till he walked out on me.

Sheila. Another woman?

Lorrain. Well - sort of. (Change of subject). Are you married?

Sheila. Not for much longer.

Lorrain. Done the dirty on you has he?

Sheila. You could say that. Roger is now living with some rich-bitch cow in Slough.

Julie enters from the garden. She is in her twenties and is a bit new-age in a half hearted sort of way. She has obviously been crying. She carries a bunch of ornamental grasses. She comes right in and sits down, staring into nothing. The other two watch her.

Pause.

Lorrain. (Tentatively). Hi. I'm Lorrain. I've come about the job.

Pause.

Lorrain. Hi. I'm Lorrain. I've come about -

Julie. He liked grass, did daddy.

Pause.

Lorrain. Did he?.... Brilliant. (Pause). Actually, I'm Lorrain. I've come -

Julie. He liked it because it was natural..... And because it was green.

Lorrain. Yea.. Well.... Green is a nice colour.

Julie. Green's a lovely colour.

Lorrain. Brilliant. I mean, look - this jumper's green and I think it's great. I wear it all the time, this.... Polyester.

Julie. Daddy liked things to be natural. Not artificial.

Lorrain. Well - polyester's not all it's cracked up to be actually. I mean the threads pull as soon as you look at them.

Julie. I've been in my part of the garden - our part of the garden. Daddy and I were the only ones who appreciated it.

Sheila. That reminds me. I've just got a little job to do.

Julie. The natural garden.

Sheila. I was just passing through really. See you in a minute.

Lorrain. Right.

Sheila exits to the garden.

Julie. And I picked these. They were his favourite.

Lorrain. Yea?... They're lovely.... Unusual.

Julie. I suppose they ought to go in a vase.

Lorrain. I wouldn't know where they were kept, luv.... Tell you what - we'll improvise shall we? Look there's this thing the celery's in. How about that?

Julie. Won't the caterer mind?

Lorrain. No, no. Well, I shouldn't think so.... Anyway. Your need is greater. Here. (She offers the jug).

Julie doesn't move.

Lorrain. I'll do it then, shall I?

Julie. Thank you.

Lorrain starts to arrange the grass in the jug.

Lorrain. Actually I've been to flower arranging classes, I have.... Well, one.

Julie. The worst thing was, none of us were here.

Lorrain. Sorry?

Julie. He was alone.

Lorrain. Who was?

Julie. Daddy.

Lorrain. Oh, yea.... Right.

Julie. I'd taken granny up to the Chelsea flower show, even though it was against my principals. It's all artificial you see, against nature. They're meddling with the genes and killing the planet.

Lorrain. At the Chelsea flower show?

Julie. Yes.

Lorrain. Fancy.

Julie. And then in the evening we went to see a musical. So we were gone all day. And to think - all that time when we were walking round the stands, and having a meal, and then at the musical, he was..........

Lorrain. Yes, I can see it must be upsetting.

Julie. Granny likes musicals, of course - the louder the better.

Pause.

Lorrain. What was it then?

Julie. Les Miserable.

Lorrain. No. I mean your dad. What did he - you know - pass over with?

Julie. A heart attack.

Lorrain. Yea?... Well there's a lot of them about aren't there?.... Was it quick?

Julie. So they say.

Lorrain. That's a blessing then.

Julie. Sally found him.

Lorrain. Oh, yea?

Julie. She'd just dropped in to collect her last wages. She couldn't get a reply, so came round the back, and there he was - out in the garden.... On the lawn .... She said he was quite cold.

Lorrain. Perhaps he should have put a woolly on or something.

Julie. No, I mean he was cold because he'd - well he'd passed away quite some time earlier.

Lorrain. Oh. Right. Yea.... Sorry.

Julie. He was slumped over his lawn mower.

Lorrain. Nasty.

Julie. So at least he died happy.

Lorrain. (Puzzled). Yea?.

Julie. By the time we came back in the evening it was all over. They'd taken him away and everything. Sally knew what to do you see. Her father's the local undertaker.

Lorrain. Well that was handy.

Julie. So I didn't even see him - to say - well, to say -

Lorrain. Cheery-o like.

Julie. Yes...... And it was all just a week ago. It doesn't seem possible.

Lorrain. Yea?... (Finishing arranging the grass). Well, there you go.

Julie. Just a week ago today.... Thursday.

Lorrain. They look quite nice - though I says it meself. (Pause, she thinks). Did you say Thursday?

Julie. Yes.

Lorrain. Last Thursday?

Julie. That's right.

Lorrain. No!

Julie. Yes.

Lorrain. That's amazing!

Julie. Why?

Lorrain. Well, you'll never believe this.

Julie. What?

Pause.

Lorrain. Only our dog died last Thursday.

Julie. Oh.

Lorrain. Back at home that is. Me mam rang us up straight away, because we were close like. Me and the dog that is, not me and me mam - though we are actually, but never mind - whatever..... Last Thursday?.... Well I never.

Pause.

Julie. I'm sorry.

Lorrain. What?

Julie. About your dog.

Lorrain. That's all right. Actually, his back legs had gone anyway, so like your dad, it was a blessing really.... But it's like - fate - isn't it?

Julie. Is it?

Lorrain. Yea... I mean that's got to be more than just coincidence, hasn't it?.... Your dad and our dog both - you know - on the same day, then me coming here and everything.

Julie. I suppose so.

Lorrain. Yea. I think so.... (Suddenly exited). Here? What was your dad's name?

Julie. Geoffrey.

Lorrain. (Disappointed). Oh.

Julie. What was your dog's name?

Lorrain. Spot.

Sheila returns from the rest of the house. She has a plate of canapés and a carafe of water.

Sheila. I've put the Deris Dust in the kitchen for the moment. I hope nobody gets it mixed up with the icing sugar.

Lorrain. So then. About the job.

Sheila. I said I hope nobody gets the Deris Dust mixed up with the icing sugar.

Lorrain. What?

Sheila. The Deris Dust and the icing sugar. I hope nobody gets them mixed up.

Lorrain. Why?

Sheila. Well it could be dangerous that's all.

Lorrain. Yea, I suppose it could.... So, about the job.

Julie. I'll take you upstairs and show you your room. It's all ready.

Lorrain. You mean I've gor-it?

Julie. It's been advertised for two weeks and you're the only one who's applied.

Lorrain. Brilliant. (To Sheila) I've gor-it.

Sheila. Congratulations.

Lorrain. Fantastic!... I'll buy that fella a pint when I see him.... By the way. You'll need something for the celery. I used it for her grass. See you in a bit.

Lorrain and Julie exit.

Grace enters from the garden with another bunch of roses.

Grace. The lawns are getting very ragged, and it's only been a week. (She turns to look out at the garden). The poor man will be turning in his grave.

Sheila. He'll have a job. You haven't buried him yet.

Grace turns and comes in to the room.

Grace. (Seeing the bunch of roses already there). Who put these here?

Sheila. You did.

Grace. I said - who put these here?

Sheila. And I said you did.

Grace. Did I?

Sheila. About ten minutes ago.

Grace. I don't remember. How strange. Never mind, but I'll need another vase. (Seeing the carafe of water that Sheila is holding). Oh, you've brought one already, how clever of you.

Sheila. This is the mineral water.

Grace. (Not hearing and putting the roses in the carafe). Yes. They'll look lovely in that. You arrange them, will you? My fingers are getting so clumsy.

Sheila. Thanks a bundle.

Grace. They're Dusky Maidens. Geoffrey's favourite.

Sheila. I thought you said Tally Ho or something was his favourite?

Grace. Sally who?

Sheila. No. Tally Ho (Pointing) The roses.

Grace. (She goes to them). I do believe they are. Aren't you clever?

Sheila. Never mind.

Grace. (She picks up the photograph of Geoffrey). I used to have a photograph like this of Teddy you know. He looked so handsome in his Polish uniform. It was a pity they had to cut one leg off for the plaster.... He'd come right through the battle of Britain, you see, only to be caught by a doodle bug in The Strand.

Sheila. I thought you said he was an electrician not a pilot.... Sparks, you said.

Grace. Did I?... You know, it's strange, my son-in-law even has a look of him here. Only of course it's his lawn mower he's leaning on, not a crutch.. (She puts the photograph back). Poor Geoffrey. You know, I think it was the mower that was the final straw between him and my daughter.... He was always fiddling about with it, you see. Out there in the garage at all hours.... Oiling, greasing. I suppose it became an obsession..... Sally used to help him out there sometimes.

Sheila. Handy with a grease gun was she?

Grace. And eventually Vanessa just snapped - "Either that lawn mower goes or I go", she said.

Sheila. What a choice. Your wife or your flymo.

Grace. Well, she lives with some sort of under-waiter in Hampshire now. So you can see where Geoffrey's priorities lay.

Pause.

Sheila. Writer.

Grace. What was that?

Sheila. Don't you mean under-writer, not under-waiter?

Grace. Do I?

Lorrain enters from the garden. She carries more bags of clothes.

Lorrain. The front door closed behind me. I didn't want to disturb what's her name - weeping Winnie, so I thought I'd come round this way again.

Grace. Who are you?

Lorrain. The replacement for Sally. We've met already.

Grace. Oh, yes. The hiker. You look thinner now. How strange. But mind your boots on the carpet. It's Axminster.

Lorrain passes the table and sees the plate of canapé's

Lorrain. They look good. Can I try one?

Sheila. I wouldn't if I were you.

Lorrain. Why not?

Sheila. They're - in a pattern. It would throw it out.

Lorrain. Oh, right. By the way. There was a posh looking sports car pulling up just as I was coming round the back.

Sheila. Ah... The famous Vanessa.

Grace. What was that?

Sheila. Vanessa's here.

Grace. (To Lorrain). Really? What a coincidence. That's my daughter's name.

Sheila. No. I'm Lorrain.

Grace. The same, yes. Isn't that odd?

Sheila. No. Her name's Lorrain.

Grace. That's what I was saying. I wish you'd listen.

Lorrain. Never mind. I'll be down in a minute to give you a hand. Get stuck in like - whatever.

Lorrain exits.

Grace. Fancy that. And you don't come across many Vanessas either.

Sheila. No.

Grace. And you know, it's strange, but I'm sure she has a look of my Teddy about the eyes.

Sheila. Too many late nights probably.

Grace. I wonder if he'll still have a limp?

Vanessa breezes in. She is middle aged and stylish. She wears a smart outfit - not black - and carries a costume covered in plastic.

Vanessa. The traffic was awful, just awful! Hello mother.

They kiss a greeting.

Grace. Vanessa, dear.... You're looking very pale.

Vanessa. Thank you, mother, you're such a comfort.

Grace. And you're not in black.

Vanessa. Yes, I know.

Grace. Don't you think you should be? It is expected. Even of you.

Vanessa. What do you mean - even of me?

Grace. Well....

Vanessa. Anyway, what am I holding?

Grace. Something from the charity shop?

Vanessa. Several hundred pounds worth of Yves Saint Laurent. That's what I'm holding. I wasn't going to get it creased to hell on the M25 was I? (She carefully drapes it over the back of the settee). What time does it start?

Grace. The cars are coming at eleven O'clock

Vanessa. Good. Time for a drink then.

Sheila has been silently moving towards Vanessa on her blind side.

Sheila. What can I get you, madam?

Vanessa. God, you made me jump. I didn't notice you there.

Sheila. I'm with the caterers.

Vanessa. Yes, I can see that.

Sheila. Although you could say - I am the caterers.

Vanessa. You mean there's just you?

Grace. It's only going to be a small gathering, dear.

Vanessa. Yes. Well, I suppose Geoffrey didn't have that many friends come to think of it. Anyway, you can get me a large whisky and dry ginger.

Sheila. No problem. (She goes to the door then turns). Anything in it, madam?

Vanessa. In it?

Sheila. Ice and a slice?

Vanessa. Well, just ice.

Sheila. Thank you. That'll make it easier.

Sheila exits.

Vanessa. Easier?.... Strange woman - what can she mean? Where's Julie by the way?

Grace. Does she? I didn't notice.

Vanessa. What?

Grace. The caterer. Wearing Jewellery.

Vanessa. No, I said - "where's Julie?".

Grace. Oh... Down in the weed patch last time I saw her.

Vanessa. (Getting out a compact). She's not still on this phoney green thing is she?

Grace. Yes, yes.... Breeding aphids

Vanessa. (Tidying her hair) Do you like the new colour by the way? Roger says it makes me look younger.

Grace. Encouraging slugs.

Vanessa. Which I suppose is a compliment. But I wish wrinkles were as easy to disguise as greying hair.

Grace. Lady Elgin's simply covered in them.

Vanessa. Wrinkles?

Grace. Slugs.

Vanessa. Ergh - mother, do you have to?.... (Turning back to the mirror to apply lipstick). God, I look awful. I do hate funerals.

Grace. I rather like them.

Vanessa. Yes, well... You always were rather odd..... Anyway - Why on earth did Geoffrey have to go and - well....

Grace. Die on us?

Vanessa. Precisely. The divorce settlement's not settled or anything, and there was still heaps to sort out. I suppose it will change everything.

Grace. Yes. Very inconsiderate of him.

Vanessa. I mean, I didn't even know he was ill. He should have said.

Grace. Well, you know Geoffrey.

Vanessa. Typical. Was he seeing a doctor?

Grace. Oh, yes... He'd gone back to Doctor Grey.

Vanessa. What? Old Doctor Grey?

Grace. That's right.

Vanessa. I didn't know he was still alive.

Grace. Oh, he's not.

Vanessa. What?

Grace. Not now. Evidently signing poor Geoffrey's death certificate was more or less his last act.

Vanessa. You mean he's -

Grace. Yes - as well..... But then he always did have such sympathy with his patients.

Vanessa. That's carrying it a bit far though.

Grace. Just look at that.

Vanessa. What?

Grace. Black fly on my Dusky Maiden.

Vanessa. Mother, I don't want this to sound rather callous or mercenary - but -

Grace. (Talking to the black fly). And we all know where you've come from don't we?

Vanessa. But do we happen to know what's in the will yet?

Grace. And you'll spread to Cardinal Richelieu in no time. And the others.

Vanessa. Who Geoffrey left the house to, I mean?

Grace. Elizabeth of Glamis, Madam Butterfly.

Vanessa. And the shares in the newspaper?

Grace. Not to mention Winston Churchill.

Vanessa. Mother? Are you listening to me?

Grace. No, dear?

Vanessa. I was saying - do we know what's in the will?

Grace. (After thinking). ‘Abide with me’.

Vanessa. What?

Grace. To be sung at the funeral.

Vanessa. God.

Grace. And something of Kipling's to be read out loud.

Vanessa. The louder the better I suppose.

Grace. And the caterer.

Vanessa. The what?

Grace. He said which caterer was to be used for the do after.

Vanessa. I don't believe it..... Did he mention the colour of the napkins?

Grace. I don't think so, dear.

Vanessa. But the house, mother? Who gets the house? And the shares in his newspaper. It's - well, it's rather important.

Grace. Is it?

Vanessa. You see we could do with a bit of equity just at the moment. Roger's portfolio has come a bit unstuck and - well a nice little inheritance would come in handy.

Grace. (A little too sweetly). His what's come unstuck, dear?

Vanessa. Mother, can you just remember who gets the house and the shares?

Grace. Oh, I've no idea. I leave all that to Julie.

Vanessa. Brilliant.

Grace. (A smile). Or did he leave all that to Julie? - I'm not sure which.

Vanessa. What?! All of it?

Julie enters from the house. She carries a tweed hat.

Julie. I've just been in the garage looking at daddy's lawn mower.

Vanessa. Ah, Julie, darling.

Julie. It looks so lonely in there. It made me want to cry.

Grace. Now.... If anybody calls, I shall be dead-heading in the top bed. I'm expecting a surprise visitor.

Grace exits, singing - We'll meet again don't know where.......

Vanessa. Mother's getting worse than ever. At the very least she ought to have a hearing aid.

Julie. She's got one, but she never wears it.

Vanessa. Why ever not?

Julie. She says it whistles.

Vanessa. ‘Land Of Hope And Glory’ probably...... Now, Julie, how are you, my darling? Come and give mummy a hug.

Julie. No, thank you.

Julie comes and sits on the settee as she did before.

Vanessa. Now we're not still a bit upset are we?

Julie. I don't know. Are we?

Vanessa. You're old enough to know that these things happen - your father and I, well, we just didn't see eye to eye.... Let's be reconciled in our grief, shall we?

Julie. (Pointedly). How's your toy-boy?

Vanessa. I wish you wouldn't call him that. Roger's only - well a handful of years younger than me. And actually he's got a stinking cold, poor love.

Julie. What a shame.

Vanessa. But he's gone off to Ascot for the day to take his mind off it.

Julie. Can't be much of a cold then.

Vanessa. Now we must be practical.

Julie. Must we?

Vanessa. About the house.

Julie. The hoover's under the stairs if you're volunteering.

Vanessa. You know very well what I mean.

Julie. (Indicating the hat). I found this in the garage.

Vanessa. Yes, I recognised it.

Julie. It was just lying on the seat of the mower.

Vanessa. Yes, well -

Julie. It looked so polished..... The seat.

Vanessa. Well your father's bottom was on it so much I expect you could probably see your face in it.

Julie. And the keys were still in the ignition, just like he'd stepped off it to have a cup of tea or something.

Vanessa. Now, Julie, about the house.

Julie. I think we should keep it just like that, don't you? As a kind of - memorial.

Lorrain enters. She now has black jeans or leather trousers on and a black top. She carries a plate.

Vanessa. Oh for goodness sake, if all you're going to talk about is that bloody lawn mower, I'm going upstairs. (She gathers the costume up and heads for the door). And who are you?

Lorrain. Lorrain.... I'm Sally's replacement.... Stuffed olive?

Vanessa. No!.... Thank you.

Vanessa sweeps out.

Lorrain. Was that your mam?

Vanessa. Unfortunately.

Lorrain. I expect she's a bit - you know - upset.

Vanessa. No... She's just a bitch.

Lorrain. (Appalled). Now you mustn't say things like that!.... I mean - even if it's true, you mustn't say things like that. Your mam's your mam, when all's said and done.

Julie. Only biologically. An accident of birth.

Lorrain. Were you?... So was I, I think..... Anyway, I thought I'd change. Put something suitable on. Does this look all right?

Julie. Fine.

Lorrain. Only I've got this little black dress I could wear, but it's a bit - you know - tarty.

Julie. You look very nice.

Lorrain. Thanks.... Stuffed olive?

Julie. No thanks.

Lorrain. Go on... Do you good.

Julie. I don't like them.

Lorrain. They're natural, and they're green.

Julie. I still don't like them.

Lorrain. Yea, well.... (Putting the plate on the table). They do look a bit like rabbit droppings - actually.... How about a love-heart then? I always carry a packet to cheer me up.

Julie. All right.

Lorrain. That's better. (Opening the packet, she sits next to Julie). Oh, look - "Don't Cry". See? And they say there isn't a god?

Julie. What's yours?

Lorrain. "I love you".... (Tasting it). Mmmm.... I wonder who, though?

Pause.

Lorrain. Actually, I just wanted to say that it's a lovely room up there. Smashing. And I love the wallpaper. Much better than where I was last.

Julie. I'm glad you like it.

Lorrain. It was peeling off the walls there. I was sharing this basement flat with me boyfriend. Only when he went I had to move out see, I couldn't afford the rent on my own, even with a discount for the peeling vinyl.

Pause.

Julie. I had a boyfriend once.

Lorrain. Yea?.... What was he like? Was he nice?

Julie. Not very.

Lorrain. Oh.

Julie. He had - problems.

Lorrain. Oh... Right.... (Pause). Mine didn't have any problems.... Well, he didn't think it was a problem. Actually he didn't think anything was a problem. That was his problem.

Julie. What happened?

Lorrain. Oh, well, you know..... He found someone else.... Jo... "I'm going to live with Jo", he says " is that a problem?"... Not a problem for him, anyway.

Julie. What was the attraction? What did Jo have that you didn't?

Pause.

Lorrain. Well, actually - Jo wasn't a she - Jo was a he.

Julie. You mean your boyfriend turned out to be -

Lorrain. Yea.... So thinking about it, I suppose it was pretty obvious what Jo had that I didn't.

Sheila enters with a tumbler of drink in one hand and another carafe of water in the other.

Sheila. Oh. Your mother's gone has she, only she asked for a whisky and dry ginger. I've been rather a long while because I couldn't find the - er - the ginger.

Julie. She's gone up stairs.

Lorrain. This is the one that needs the whisky. (To Julie). You have it..... Go on, it'll do you good.

Sheila. (Slightly concerned). I'm not sure that it would actually.

Lorrain. No? (Taking the tumbler). Well I'll have it then.

Sheila. No, you mustn't. I expect she'll be back down in a minute.

Lorrain. Actually, it looks a bit cloudy.

Sheila. (Taking the tumbler back). Yes it does, doesn't it. Perhaps there was something funny about the ice. I'd better make another one.

Grace enters from the garden with yet another bunch of roses, this time pink.

Grace. I just had to have some of these gorgeous blooms off Sir Winston Churchill, to remind me of Teddy and the war. (She sees the carafe that Sheila is holding). Ah.... How thoughtful. Thank you.

Grace puts the roses in the carafe, then takes it.

Sheila. If she does that again, I'm going to scream.

Sheila exits.

Grace. Ah.... When I think of those nights - as we danced alone in the hospital recreation room.... Henry Hall on the wireless and the moonlight streaming in through the windows.... We scarcely had a good leg between us, but it was wonderful.

Lorrain. Sounds nice.

Grace. The moonlight shining on the polished parquet and the big mahogany billiard table..... (Significantly). Ah, yes, the billiard table. (Talking to the roses). There now. You can go over here.... I'm going to check- up on Lady Elgin and keep an eye out for Teddy. If you hear the sound of a balalaika coming up the drive, don't be alarmed.

Grace exits again to the garden.

Lorrain. Is that a kind of motorbike?

Julie. Rain or shine, daddy would be out there mowing the lawns in this. He'd wear it in the garage too, when he was tinkering.

Lorrain. Ah... That's nice.

Lorrain takes the hat.

Julie. Mother tried to give it away - twice. He had to buy it back from the charity shop.

Lorrain. (Looking inside). Size six and a half. The same as me feet. Do you think that's significant?

Vanessa enters.

Vanessa. Has that peculiar woman come with my drink yet?

Lorrain. Come and gone. Something wrong with the ice.

Vanessa. Well I hope she hurries up. (To Julie). Mother tells me that she was your father's choice, among his last requests or something.... In the will.

Julie. Yes.

Vanessa. Did he know her then?

Julie. I'm not sure. I haven't enquired.... (significantly). Maybe he did.

Vanessa. I see. (Looking out of the window). What on earth is mother doing out there? It looks like she's dancing with the invisible man on the lawn.

Lorrain. That's her Pole. Or Winston Churchill. I'm not sure which.

Vanessa. Well at least she's not cutting more roses. It's beginning to look like an advert for Inter-flora in here. (Referring to the grass). Except for those things.

Julie. They make a contrast.

Lorrain. I think they're very nice.

Vanessa. Our garden is mostly patio and things in tubs. Roger and I had a designer in. You'll have to come and see it, Julie.

Julie. No, thank you.

Vanessa. And there's lots of decking. Roger wanted decking..... Mind you, it's a death trap for high heels, and it was very expensive.

Julie. I expect Roger can afford it.

Pause.

Vanessa. (As unconcerned as she can make it). So you've seen the will, then?

Julie. Yes. I have seen the will.

Vanessa. Might one enquire as to its contents? Just out of curiosity?

Julie. There's nothing in it for you, if that's what you're wondering?

Vanessa. What? Nothing?

Julie. I think he presumed that you were well looked after. I seem to remember you saying on quite a few occasions that Roger was "absolutely loaded"?

Vanessa. Don't think he isn't. Don't think I need your father's money, because I don't. I wouldn't accept it anyway.

Julie. Good.... It's not being offered.

Vanessa. Well, that's all right then.

Pause.

Vanessa. Do you know what the best thing is about our garden at the house?

Julie. No, what?

Vanessa. The best thing is I can sunbathe in peace and quiet, without your father's lawn mower throwing grass clippings all over me.

Julie. I'm glad the divorce was all worth while then.

Vanessa. He used to do it on purpose you know.

Julie. Of course he didn't.

Vanessa. He did. Every time I got out the Ambre Solaire he'd get out the mower. It was blatant.

Julie. It was your imagination.

Vanessa. Oh? Really?

Julie. Of course it was.

Vanessa. He used that lawn mower as a weapon.

Julie. Of course he didn't

Vanessa. You don't know the half of it.

Julie. Is that why you sabotaged it then?

Vanessa. Sabotaged it?

Lorrain. Sabotaged it?

Julie. Yes. Daddy's lawn mower. The accident. You sabotaged it, didn't you? (To Lorrain). She sabotaged it.

Lorrain. Never?

Vanessa. Of course I didn't, don't be ridiculous. (To Lorrain). And what are you staring at?

Lorrain. (Offering a dish). Peanuts?

Julie. You filed through the brake cable. He showed me.

Vanessa. It broke, that's all. And he overshot the tennis court and landed up in the sunken garden.

Julie. He might have been killed.

Vanessa. At five miles per hour? I don't think so.

Julie. He had to go to hospital.

Vanessa. The minor injuries clinic. And only because when the mower stopped Geoffrey didn't, and the steering column hit his - - well.

Lorrain. Ooh, nasty.

Vanessa. Do you mind?

Lorrain. Sorry, I'm not listening really.... Sweetmeat vol-au-vent?

Vanessa. Is that icing sugar?

Lorrain. I think so. It's just a funny colour.

Vanessa. No thank you.

Grace enters.

Grace. It's no good. Teddy may arrive at any moment, so I'm going to make a clean breast of it... The truth must out.

Vanessa. Not now, mother. (To Julie). And I don't know why you always took your father's side against me. It's not as if he ever backed you up you know.

Julie. He did. Daddy and I agreed on nearly everything. We were very close.

Vanessa. Close? The two of you fought like cat and dog.

Julie. That's not true.

Grace. I don't quite know what you're all talking about -

Vanessa. Mother, do you mind?

Grace. - but if I could just have a word.

Vanessa. For a start your father thought your natural garden was a nuisance and a waste of a good lawn.

Julie. No he didn't.

Vanessa. Yes he did. He said it spread alien seeds into his green perfection.

Julie. That's a wicked thing to say.

Sheila enters with a fresh whisky and dry ginger.

Lorrain. Come in and watch. It's better than East Enders.

Vanessa. He lost patience with your phoney new-age thing years ago.

Julie. It is not phoney.

Lorrain. (To Sheila). Peanut?

Grace. I think this might be just the right time for me to make an important announcement.

Sheila. Your whisky and dry ginger, madam.

Vanessa. In a minute.... And another thing -

Lorrain. At least it's not so cloudy.

Sheila. Yes, I had a much better idea.

Vanessa. And another thing -

Grace. This is going to come as a great shock to you all, I know.

Sheila. And besides I'd never stomach prison food.

Lorrain. Ya what?

Vanessa. (To Sheila and Lorrain). Do you mind?

Lorrain. Don't mind us.

Vanessa. And another thing -

Grace. You see, I was not pure when I met Arthur.

Vanessa. Shut up, mother.

Grace. There had already been someone else.

Vanessa. And another thing - Your father couldn't stand that grotesquely greasy haired boy friend of yours.

Grace. He was tall, dark and handsome.

Julie. Well neither could I, so we agreed on that one.

Vanessa. Ha! That's a joke.

Julie. What's that supposed to mean?

Vanessa. That boy was revolting.

Julie. He was in love with me.

Grace. And he was in uniform - Blake Manor Hospital in nineteen forty four.

Vanessa. Mother, please.

Grace. Our eyes met across the ward - him in his plaster and me in mine.... But it didn't stop at that.

Vanessa. You doted on that supreme example of the great unwashed for nearly two years.

Grace. It wasn't that long. But the secret must now be told.

Julie. He was not unwashed, he just had an allergy to most soaps that's all.

Vanessa. Well that explains the smell, I suppose.

Julie. That's an awful thing to say.

Grace. Vanessa?!

Vanessa. For heaven's sake, mother - What?

Grace. Vanessa - your father was not your father.

Lorrain. I knew it.

Vanessa. What on earth are you talking about?

Grace. You were conceived out of wedlock in the summer of forty four in a hospital recreation room.

Vanessa. Don't be ridiculous.

Grace. We were young, the night was hot, our plasters made us restless.

Vanessa. Mother, why don't you go out and prune your roses or something?

Grace. We were under the billiard table in the middle of an air-raid, but we didn't take precautions.... The result - was you.

Vanessa. Can't you see we're rather busy?

Lorrain. So that makes her a you know what.

Julie. At least I don't go around breaking up other people's marriages.

Vanessa. Oh, yes, yes. I thought it wouldn't be long before we got on to Roger.

Sheila. Yes, do let's get on to Roger.

Vanessa. And what's it got to do with you?

Grace. Well, aren't you interested, Vanessa? Aren't you amazed?

Vanessa. Not particularly.

Lorrain. Well I am. Under the billiard table, you said?

Grace. You are the love child of Teddy Skrevinsky, Squadron Leader, war hero, member of the royal line of princes, and virtuoso on the balalaika.

Pause.

Vanessa. Mother, if I was conceived in 1944, why was it that I wasn't born till four years later in 1948?

Pause.

Grace. Don't blind me with mathematics, I know what I know.... Your father was a Pole

Julie. Do you never think about his wife?

Vanessa. Who's wife?

Julie. Your toy-boy, Roger's.

Sheila. Yes. The first Mrs Brown. Let's get on to her too.

Vanessa. Do you mind. We're having a private conversation.

Sheila. Sounds more like an argument.

Vanessa. Just go and cater somewhere else.

Lorrain. (To Vanessa). Peanut?

Vanessa. Go away.

Lorrain munches through the peanuts while looking on in awe.

Grace. Wait till Teddy arrives on the doorstep. You'll see.

Vanessa. If you got yourself a real man, Julie, instead of some odourously challenged Swampy you'd realise that - ‘all's fair in love and war’.

Julie. Don't you have any conscience?

Vanessa. Some. But as far as I'm concerned, Roger's wife was just some frumpy thing who didn't understand her husband.

Sheila. Oh, was she now?

Vanessa. She was neurotic. Constantly threatening dire consequences and never acting them out.

Sheila. Oh, yes?

Vanessa. I still don't know what it's got to do with you.

Grace. I've put an advert in the Times.

Vanessa. I'm not listening, mother.

Grace. It's under the python.

Vanessa. I am a sensual being. She, it seems, had about as much sensuality as a pop-up toaster.

Sheila. Really? As much as that? (Handing Lorrain the whisky and dry ginger). Here, hold this.

Vanessa sits on the settee.

Vanessa. She cooked, she cleaned, she washed.... I love. Let's face it, she and I are a million miles apart.

Sheila. I shouldn't bet on it. We'll see who doesn't act out the dire consequences.

Sheila picks up one of the vases of roses and comes behind where Vanessa is sitting.

Sheila. A floral tribute on behalf of poor Geoffrey.

Vanessa. What?

Sheila takes the roses out of the vase.

Sheila. I think these are called - Tally Ho!

Sheila tips the vase of water over Vanessa's head. Vanessa screams.

Vanessa. What the hell did you do that for?!

Lorrain. Bli'me!

Sheila picks up one of the other vases of roses.

Sheila. And now compliments from yours truly.

Vanessa. What?!

Sheila. The soon to be ex-Mrs Brown. You know - the frumpy thing who didn't understand her husband.

Vanessa. No!

Sheila tips the vase of water over Vanessa's head again. Vanessa screams.

Vanessa. Bitch! You mean you're her?

Sheila. Oh, yes. I'm her all right. She with the sensuality of a domestic appliance.

Grace. Do be careful of my roses, won't you, dear.

Vanessa. I'm soaked!

Sheila. Actually you can keep Roger the dodger. Because it won't be long before he starts clipping his toe-nails in bed and breaking wind at the breakfast table, or vice versa. And then you'll see what he's really like.

Vanessa. Saturated!

Sheila. You're not the first, either. And you probably won't be the last.

Vanessa. What do you mean?

Sheila. I mean he's a randy little sod who can't keep his hands off anything in a skirt. In fact I understand from his best friend that he already fancies your next door neighbour.

Vanessa. What? Susan?

Sheila. Who is, I believe, considerably younger than both of us and sunbathes in the buff.

Vanessa. Get out!

Lorrain. Now... How about a nice bit of celery anyone?

Sheila. In fact he's probably in there now, checking her all-over tan.

Vanessa. Roger has gone to Ascot.

Lorrain. Vol-au-vent?

Sheila. That's what he used to tell me when he was seeing you... And the others. He's had more affairs than you've had hot dinners.

Lorrain. Stuffed olive perhaps?

Sheila. Quite likely. She's his secretary.

Vanessa. Get out! Get out! I'm not listening!

Sheila. I'm going. And what's more I shall screw every penny out of Roger in the divorce courts. It'll be far more enjoyable and last much longer than any other form of pleasure I've had from him in fifteen years!

Sheila exits. There is a stunned silence.

Grace. Well.

Pause.

Lorrain. Better out than in I always say.

Vanessa. Look at my hair! She's ruined my hair. And this cost a small fortune!

Lorrain. No harm done really.

Vanessa. No harm done?!

Lorrain. I'll nip up and get a towel shall I? Then I'll give you a quick blow-dry. I've had hair dressing lessons you know..... Well, one.

Lorrain exits.

Grace. I'm afraid I lost the thread a bit. Why did she do all that?

Julie. She's Roger's wife.

Grace. The lodger's wife?

Vanessa. No! Roger! Roger! My Roger!

Julie. Everybody's Roger by the sound of it.

Vanessa. This is all Geoffrey's doing. He said which caterer to use. He must have known.

Julie. I suppose he must have done.

Vanessa. This is his revenge from the grave. This and the will. He's up there laughing at me. (Shouting up). Well sod you, Geoffrey! We'll see who has the last laugh. (She grabs the hat). See this?! I'm going to burn this!

Grace. Hell hath no fury as they say.

Vanessa. Look at me. I'm soaked to the skin.

Grace. Well at least you brought something to change into dear.

Lorrain enters with a towel and Vanessa's black costume which is cut to ribbons.

Lorrain. Is it supposed to look like this?

Vanessa. My dress! Just look at my dress!

Julie. Oh dear. What a shame.

Vanessa. Have you any idea how much that cost? And that - that cow has taken a pair of scissors to it!

Julie. Looks more like she's taken the lawn mower to it.

Lorrain. Anybody got a needle and thread?

Vanessa. What on earth am I going to wear for the funeral?

Lorrain. It's all right. I've got this really nice little black dress up stairs you can borrow if you like.

Vanessa. Will it fit me?

Lorrain. Oh, yea. Coz it's really stretchy... The only thing is, it's got this slit up the side, so it's a bit like - you know - ....... Actually it would suit you quite nicely.

Vanessa. God I need a drink. I need a drink. Where's that whisky?

Lorrain. Here.

Vanessa. I need it, I need it.

Grace. Do you think that's wise dear?

Vanessa. What?

Grace. Well she might have put something in it.

Vanessa. Take it away, take it away!

Julie. She's probably poisoned the whole buffet. I would have.

Vanessa. Call the police. Attempted murder.

Julie. I just think we'd better throw it all away and start again that's all.

Lorrain. I'll pop out to M& S, shall I?

Julie. Would you?

Lorrain. Just nibbles eh? Finger stuff.

Vanessa. (She sniffs her clothes). What on earth was in that water?

Julie. I think the first vase had been on the mantelpiece for a week.

Vanessa. God, it's vile. I've got to have a shower.

Lorrain. I'll come and do your hair in a bit and bring you that dress.

Vanessa. This is going to be a disastrous funeral. I can see it. If this is the way it's started, goodness knows how it's going to end.

Lorrain. It'll be fine now. You'll see. I'll hold the fort here. You go off and enjoy yourselves.

Vanessa. At a funeral?

Lorrain. There's always a bright side.

Vanessa exits.

Lorrain. (To Julie). You'd better tidy yourself up too.

Julie. Yes. Then after the funeral do you know what I'm going to do?

Lorrain. No?

Julie. I'm going to put dad's hat on and I'm going to mow the lawns.

Julie exits.

Lorrain. Yea - well.... She'll survive.

Lorrain takes one of the vases of roses back to where the photograph of Geoffrey is standing.

Grace. I haven't seen anything like that in years.

Lorrain. That's nothing. When my lot get going they throw things - even the dog.

Grace. Of course, Vanessa's always been a bit dramatic. Julie too, I suppose. It's strange.... I don't know where they get it from.

Lorrain picks up the photo.

Lorrain. Who's this?

Grace. What?

Lorrain. Who's this in the photo?

Grace. I thought I showed it to you. That's Geoffrey with his lawn mower.

Lorrain. Your son-in-law?

Grace. Yes.

Lorrain. Well I never. You won't believe this, but he's the one who gave me the advert from the paper... You know - about the job... He's the fella I met in the pub in London, I'm sure.

Grace. What? Geoffrey?

Lorrain. Yea.

Grace. Strange, he never mentioned it.

Lorrain. That's weird. Scary. Because it was only last Wednesday, the day before he - you know. And he looked all right then. Not ill or anything. In fact he looked really happy. Said he'd won a bit on the lottery and was out - you know - celebrating.. And to think - the very next day..... That's sad isn't it?

Grace. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.

Lorrain. There's no justice.

Grace. Oh well. Better make tracks.

Lorrain. Actually, it's strange, coz he had this girl with him in the pub that he said was his daughter. Only it wasn't your granddaughter. She had pink hair and was pregnant.

Grace. You will put fresh water in the roses won't you?

Lorrain. Course I will.

Grace. You know, you really do have a look of my Teddy about the eyes.

Lorrain. Yea?

Grace. Are you sure your grandfather doesn't play the balalaika?

Lorrain. Only the fiddle - and that's with his taxes.

Grace. Never mind. I wonder if he kept his Polish uniform? He did look so handsome in his uniform.

Grace turns away and moves to the door.

Lorrain looks at the photograph.

Lorrain. Poor Geoffrey.

Grace pauses at the door.

Grace. (To herself). Was it the balalaika he played?.... I suppose it might have been a ukulele.

Grace exits - singing - "We'll meet again, don't know where, don't know when........."

Lorrain. Here..... I wonder what he did with his lottery ticket?

The lights fade.